


The Noble and most Ancient house of Crack

by JumboTerrificWatermelon



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Drugs, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Insanity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:41:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28124031
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JumboTerrificWatermelon/pseuds/JumboTerrificWatermelon
Summary: This is a parody intended to be seen as a TV show. Please don’t hurt us.





	The Noble and most Ancient house of Crack

The Noble and Most Ancient House of Crack

I don’t own any HP characters… My sister, Big Awesome Watermelon, wrote the bulk of this story. Please look at her for way deeper works. Together we took their little personality traits and enhanced them with drugs, made their names crack-y to fit, but of course we got these funky addiction symptoms as side effects. We also made fun of Walburga’s name as she is the only one who doesn’t have major crack symptoms. Well besides her husband, whose eating habits are hilarious but not lined up with crack.

It was a fine day at Number 12 Grimmoulde Place. Narcissistica Crack was walking back and forth in the living room, complimenting herself, as usual.  
“I’m drop-dead gorgeous. Everyone loves me. I am a perfect, ditzy blonde. Doo-doo-doo…. I am SOOOOO bee-yoo-tee-ful!”  
“SHUT THE FUCK UP, CISSY!!!!” Bellabitch screamed. In her defense, everyone wanted to say that, but it was still incredibly rude to actually say it.  
A voice screeched from upstairs, “IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP, I WILL GRIND YOU UP, MOLD YOU INTO A PATTY, AND NAIL YOU TO MY WALL!!!!!!!!” It was somehow threatening.  
Let’s just say they were quiet for a good while after that.  
The door opened to Serious and Regular Crack stepping in. Bellabitch jumped out of her seat.  
“WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU TWO BEEN?!?!?!?”  
“Leave them alone, Bella…” Androidmeter told her, "Don’t you know anything?” She stepped up to them, calmly.  
“HOW DARE YOU!!!! I KNOW WHAT MAKES UP A CRACK, THAT’S FOR DAMN SURE!!!!!!!!!” Androidmeter whipped out a Muggle hair dryer taped to a toaster and a compass and pointed it menacingly at the two.  
“Whose are you?! What have your masters done with Serious and Regular?!?!?!” Serious pushed her paranoia-device down to the floor slowly.  
“Chill. Just chill…” he said slowly.  
“We’re not robots,” Regular reassured.  
“ANDROIDS!!!” Androidmeter screamed, pointing the thing at them again.“Alright. The readings are clear. You may come in…” she stepped back slowly and dramatically.  
“Well. Come on, Reg…” Serious grabbed his arm and pulled him in.  
“UGH!!!! My brain!!!!!!!” Narcissistica collapsed off of the couch pathetically. “It itches! It BUURRRRRRRRRNNSSSSS!” (Zelda anyone)  
“CISSSSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! They got you with their lasers! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!” Androidmeter kneeled at her sister’s side. “DOOOONN’T GOOO INTOOOO THEEEE LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- -IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII -IIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”  
There was loud stomping coming down the stairs. Then Wallburger looked at everyone, holding a hammer menacingly. “I. WILL. NAIL. ALL. OF. YOU,” she said hoarsely. Serious and Regular sniggered.  
Bellabitch said simply, “Apparently Cissy’s dying.”  
“Actually… I’m fine now,” Narcissistica said, standing up and dusting herself off.  
“THANK YOU MAYONNAISE GODS!!!!” Androidmeter screamed before passing out.  
Creeper the house elf stepped out of the shadows, stood right behind Serious and Regular, and made a low hissing sound.  
“WHAT THE BLOODY-” Serious was ready to full-out attack the elf, but Regular had him by the shoulder.  
“Creeper, where have you been?!”  
“Creeper has… Creeper cannot remember.”  
“CREEPER!” Wallburger shouted.  
“Yes, mistress?”  
“Make yourself useful and find my husband and brothers.” Creeper despawned. “Lie Androidmeter on the couch.”  
“What about that orgy you promised?” Serious asked. Wallburger took that in for a second before throwing her hammer at his head.  
He snatched the hammer out of the air, inches away from his face, on impulse, and threw it back at her. It curved, narrowly missing her.  
Just then Creeper came back with Sniff-This who was holding a dirty sock, Toyota Alphard who was twirling his Italian-style moustache, and Oreo, whose cheeks were filled with food like a chipmunk’s.  
Serious groaned and started up the stairs.  
“Uncle Al, did you get some more coke for our stash?” Regular asked. Toyota Alphard nodded.  
“Yup. We’re se’ for abou’ six months.” He threw his bag onto the floor.  
“Good. I need a fix,” Wallburger said as she ripped the leather sack open, and Bellabitch fell to her knees to grab herself a couple of the Ziploc® baggies for herself.  
“Me too,” she said in her Gollum voice, wringing her hands together.  
“Throw me some, too, please, Bella,” Narcissistica asked sweetly.  
“NO, YOU WHORE!” Bellabitch screamed unnecessarily. Sniff-This sat down on her face, and threw Cissy a couple of the baggies.  
He then proceeded to shove the sock in Bellabitch’s nose  
Regular shook his head sadly. Why did his family have to be this way?  
“I need one,” he said quietly. Alphard threw Oreo two, and Oreo threw them both to Regular.  
“One’s for Serious,” he said, and Regular went upstairs.  
He walked down the hall to where his and Serious’ rooms were across from each other. He knocked on his brother’s door.  
“Reg? Come on in,” he said.

(commercial break)  
Hello Death Eaters! Toyota Alphard Crack is selling crack and family vehicles starting at 50 galleons! Get yours today!

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Warning: Hagrid’s Gryffindor Pets Galore cannot be held responsible for any physical or psychological harm caused by creatures purchased at Hagrid’s Gryffindor Pets Galore.

The creators of Amortentia, SCARS, and the Boy Who Lived are proud to present:  
Always: The Prince’s Tale.  
Join Severus Snape as he journeys from young boy to the bravest man we ever knew. You’ll be on your knees, pleading forgiveness. This story will change your views on blood purity, true love, and all that.  
In select pensieves May 2 1998.  
Where we left off in The Noble and Most Ancient House of Crack…

“I got yours,” Regular said, showing Serious the baggies.  
“Not into it right now,” Serious said. Regular sighed.  
“Can I stay for a while?”  
“Why?”  
“In case Mother goes psycho and tries to nail everyone to the wall.” Serious laughed.  
“You’re joking, right?” Regular didn’t answer. “You’re not joking. Look, Reg, she was just like that from withdrawal.”  
“She’s been like that for weeks now.”  
“Oh, baby brother still has much to learn. That’s a good sign. Maybe tonight will be the night she OD’s.”  
“Father says there’s no such thing,” Regular said.  
“Father’s a half-baked cookie creme,” Serious told him. “Remember our grandfather, Archerpuss?  
“No… you know that. He went to St. Gumbo’s when I was, like, four…”  
“You were six,” Serious corrected, “anyway he was this,” he spread his thumb and forefinger about three centimeters apart, “close to dying. Still in critical condition today.”  
“I don’t believe you.”  
“Have I ever lied to you, Regular?”  
“No, I don’t think so,” Regular said.  
“Exactelz. Why would I start now?”  
“Because, you don’t like it here,” he finished in a high octave.  
“Wow. I never heard a Crack’s voice crack like that,” Serious chuckled, making Regular blush.  
“I hate you.”  
“No you don’t.” He threw an arm around him. “Lie down.”  
“What?! No!”  
“Don’t make me tackle you.” Regular looked like he probably wanted Androidmeter to scan him again just to be sure. “I will tackle you.” Regular laid down slowly, watching his brother carefully.  
“What’s wrong with you, Siri?” he asked. Serious covered him with the blanket and tucked him in like he was a tiny little boy.  
“You still look so small,” he remarked. “How do you feel?”  
“I felt fine until you decided that I needed a nap. Now I’m kinda irritated.”  
“You felt dizzy or lightheaded at all today? You hot? Cold? Need something?”  
“Serious, I-”  
“You need something. CREEPER!!!”  
“No, I don’t need anything. Creeper, please, just get back to what you were doing.” Creeper nodded and was gone again. Regular sat up, annoyed. “What the hell is wrong with you, Serious?!” his voice cracked again at that, but he didn’t care. “I haven’t been ill in…”  
“Do you know what day it is? Six years. As of today.” Serious looked him in the eyes. “You seemed kinda headache-y this morning.” He sighed. “I’m sorry if your crap immune system scares me. I’m sorry that I get a little anxious when you seem unwell, but think, for the first seven years of your life, you were dying!”  
“Siri…”  
“And you wonder why I’m so sick of this place. Cause that shit poisoned your defenses and stunted your growth.”  
meanwhile  
Creeper teleported and landed on top of Bellabitch.

“Get the fuck off me”  
“Now die, you creepy little bastard!!!!!”  
Creeper dropped dead.  
“You little skank-haired beyotch!” Wallburger screamed. “How dare you kill our house-elf?!?!?!” “  
“Yeah! The real Bellabitch would never have done that!” Androidmeter yelled.  
“Let’s get her” Toyota shouted.  
“That was my favourite one too.” Sniff-This said with minor grief in his eyes. “Okay, I’m over it.” He joined in on the pounding of Bellabitch to which she was bruised severely and even burned.  
Regular walked in but turned around “This is what I get for walking into my own living room.”

“Let us spell her to death” said Narcissistica  
“Narcissistica, that would be a great idea if the ministry wouldn’t come knocking on our door”  
-  
Narcissistica started crying “I don’t want to go to rehab. I’m too pretty for rehab.”  
“We know, bitch” Those were Bellabitchh’s last words


End file.
